Billboard Hits

Okay let’s get to it….I am in “catch up” mode from being on vacation last week, so might have to make this brief…..

Judges:
Kara – why does she seem to constantly have butt hole lips…..we get it you have nicely glossed lips but honestly pay attention she looks like she is anus, literally. I feel like she is trying to one up Lisa Rhinna
Ellen – Sort of like that she is bringing the “funny” back because let’s face it she isn’t all that she is cracked up to be as a “judge” per say…..I like her comedic interpretations but let’s call a spade a spade …..the show didn’t all of a sudden become better because of her. Let’s stick to talk show hosting and telling jokes.
Randy – why does he continue to look like Mr. Rogers who just got out of arts and crafts class….ugh the beads and cardigans….
Simon – let’s face it he is arrogant and annoying but truly the only one worth listening to and he will be missed next year as this sad set of contestants and his departure sets this show into a downward spiral of flames……

Miley Cyrus – I am not going to lie I don’t hate her……I like most of her songs, she is randomly quirky on her show, she isn’t that much of a ho, what’s to hate? Oh yeah I know……her g.a.y. father who can’t seem to understand the concept of a middle aged man’s haircut and/or a responsible demeanor. I mean really I was surprised that he let Miley on by herself last night and actually didn’t feed her lines to tell the people. Also, why does Miley at the ripe old age of 17 sound like she has been smoking for 16.5 of those years? Should a teenage girl have a voice that is practically as low as James Earl Jones? I did also enjoy getting confirmation that Billy Ray did not procreate with a horse to create Miley and her chompers, but rather they came from her look a like mom, Mrs. Ed. Did you guys catch the two of their jaw lines sitting side by side……NEEEIIIGGGHHHHHH……….

Lee Dewyze – He sounded really good last night but honestly he looks like he is taking a math test. Not one ounce of fun to be shown on his face. He is like the EXACT opposite of Fun Bobby……Boring Lee……. I also wonder if his Frat brothers will haze and black ball him for having the audacity to wear a black rhinestone broach.

Paige Miles – Here here to the stylists! She looked AWESOME last night – but let’s face it she looked a lot better than she sounded. I was almost pissed that she did so bad for the sheer fact that it might make Mr. Urban stick around one more week.

Tim Urban – okay seriously I am starting a national campaign to ban Tim from any future performing arts endeavors….Holy **** why is he still here??? Do the girls really love the hair that looks as if he is always running backwards in a windstorm? And why did he have to borrow his dad’s ABC Appliance salesman’s blazer last night. Ugh the hair, the coat, the sliding into home plate …..It all just gives me a stomach ache.

Arron Kelly – I loved when Simon asked what was wrong with his voice and would have loved it if he just said “puberty”. I was a little shocked and appalled at his love crush on Miley…..I will stay the course and go on record and say that is just a beard hiding what we all know to be true. Did you catch Miley’s wide eyes and awkward head shaking no when Simon told him that he thinks he should KISS Miley….she apparently is thinking it too.

Crystal Bowersox – Look at this little sex kitten showing some skin last night……perhaps a hot flash from the mystery illness?? Anyway she SLAYED it in honor of my Mentor……I have nothing bad to say she is in such a different, relaxed, professional league.

Big Mike – we all know he is cute, likeable, and can sing – but it bothers me that he has a better complexion than me.

Andrew Garcia – Okay I am over the Roy Orbison glasses – can’t someone get him some contacts…..I am afraid that the black rimmed glasses aren’t the only thing I am sick of ……hate to say but Fez is on my short list.

Katie Stevens….They liked her. I didn’t – plain and simple…..too breathy …..Too throaty. Then she had the nerve to throw on neon pink SUSPENDERS and throw the hey look I am so young I am going RETRO into the 80’s …..Suck it. Did anyone catch her dad in the daisy dukes….Seriously Dad no teenager in America wants their dad to show thigh pubs on national TV.

Casey James – I am not really too concerned with how he looked or what he sounded like last night, I am more concerned with the fact that “Power of love” by Huey Lewis was a billboard hit……what a gay song.

Didi – She was very Taylor swift looking last night – but I am still rooting for this little one……I thought she sounded good and good for her for combating the judges critiques.

Siobhan – I randomly liked the Sanjaya Faux hawk……But this one still amazes me on how she looks like she should be re-instating the dewy decimal system back into every library in the US, but damn when the library closes for the night – this book worm can get her song on……it’s bizarre……Why did her Dad decide to dress up like Teen Wolf?

Going home………..Tim Urban (and it will be until he is gone)

Munson out…..